people say it's hard to let go of something valuable especially when you've just realized how very important that thing is. yeah, well. maybe. but what i know is this: it is pure agony to even think of letting go of something you have valued all throughout, something you felt you gave yourself fully to, something you treasured beyond anything and everything else, something that simply became the axis of your life.
i wanted the play to end for the obvious reason that it was the last damn requirement for us to finish the subject. but on my way home, after staging it successfully on a friday night etched forever in my memory, i was thinking, "is it really over?" and before i knew it i was bleeding to answer myself with a dishonest 'no.' no, i'm not ready for it to be over. no, it's just too good to see a dead end. no, i'd rather go through every difficulty over again than to see time tick by slowly and eventually thrust memories of theater in the forgotten corner of my mind. no, not now --- certainly not when i've fallen deeply in love with the dimalipaders.
i've been crying over the weekend. i've been crying over every cheesy piece of reaction paper i've read. i know it sounds stupid. i might be the only person feeling this anxiety with such magnitude but i can't help it. it's just plain hard. theater 11, dulaang dimalipad means so much to me. it's my sanctuary, my refuge, my shelter because the past semester has been everything but a glide down the rainbow. i found people here who became real friends to me, ready to listen, ready to cry and laugh with you no matter what ills they have in themselves, ready to string along whatever time, whatever occasion, ready to accept you for who you are.
i thought i knew my friends, the ones from d2 to be more specific. mind you, i don't hate the particular ones, it's just that i am disappointed of such behavior they displayed. i trusted them, i gave them confidence that i thought they deserved. i never imagined such betrayal of that trust. picture this: i risk my sorry ass telling them bout really private matters hoping they'll hear me out and never breathe a word to anybody else, and what they do to repay this is pass negative judgment on me, behind my back, during a time when i'm tending other important business and they tell this to another person who, though i know is tight knit is another person just as well.
that's a major reason why i love my theater diosas. they never judged me, tyose in particular. she hasn't known me very long, not even for a whole 72 hours, but she never saw my sorority an evil organization to apply to, she never hinted that i'm this deliquent student wasting my life, my time, my energies. compared to the people i thought i knew.. tyose is a lot more worthy of my trust. that i'll remember from now on.
and nanay gn, too. it felt so good to be talking to someone who's gone through the very same things you're going through. it felt so good that there's a person who understands you down every bit of detail and who gives you advice on how to make things work. it felt so good to know that someone sincerely cares about what happens to you and is praying everything turns out well and you make it through alive.
tell me now what i'm supposed to feel. tell me now what i'm supposed to do. enzo's right, everybody should move on. but i'm just not ready at the mo. let me linger a just a little longer.
logout;.
{/.12:37 PM}
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