im begging you. come back and see this through with me, and i swear, ill do everything for you. just come back. just stay with me. does the past week mean nothing to you? doesnt it mean anything at all? was it just a spur-of-the-moment decision, something that you havent really thought well of, so it's equally easy to throw away? god dyna. i hate you so much right now. but i hate it even more that i need you more than i hate you.

please. come back. ill still be your deirdre.

i've been wasted for the last few days. imagine this: for a whole week, you get to sleep at 11p, then you have to be up again by 3a to do whatever pending work's keepin you from sweet slumber. then last friday, i only slept for 3 (?) hours, i didnt get to review at all for the two long exams, and that's it.

for the first time, i'm actually scared. i'm not doin good academically. not. i failed the first accounting exam which is supposed to be the easiest long exam in the series. i'm lost. i dunno what to do. i did study, i'm pretty sure of that. but, okay, i didn't study consciously. i just can't find the drive. and yesterday, i lost 20+ points in the infotec midterms. i'm so ruined. and econ, too. some 20+ points lost. damn. i wanna cry. ngawa, in harlene's terms.

the only subject i think i'm actually achieving in is theater. theater has been my home, my sanctuary, my refuge in this sem. once i thought it's lost to me, too. i thought it has been invaded by something that's pushing me to the edge and it'll never be the same as before, but now things have cleared up, i find it as good as ever.

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i still havent posted this. credits: saerom's blog

happy theater

im sooo dying to watch brokeback mountain. they've won awards all over town and it's drivin me nuts just thinkin bout how good the film version is, given that annie proulx's work is superb.

i finished shopaholic last night. becky bloomwood is such a trouble magnet! i maintain that the book is a light, pleasant read. however, i feel that it's so unreal especially because everything turns out to be perfect, crease-free, neatly-cut in the end. i mean, what's up with that? i feel like im readin a fairy tale scrutinized by an overly commercial-conscious editor where bad, tragic endings are a no-no.

i dont think ive said anything about tuesdays with morrie, at least, nothing yet. i read it after anne rice, during the c'mas break. hahaha. im soo attached to my emotions. an hour after readin the last chapter i was still crying, and crying real hard at that, with sounds and everything. for one, death used to freak me out. it still does, sometimes, when i think of it real seriously. but then again, it's inevitable. the read made me realize you just have to be prepared for it, when it will come not being an issue, but a warning and an assurance that it will. it all returns to livin life, and valuin it, so much so that you spend every second doing what you would never regret you did.

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deirdre will return tomorrow. plans for today weren't fully realized. she's a tad scared but she trusts miss antha and miss mace with her life. they'll get her through this. they'll help her. everything's gonna be fine. chill.

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ive got two exams comin up, a freakin, incomprehensible homework in mgt sci, and a techie proposal. yet here i am, stayin up late, hooked, addicted and involuntarily stuck on the net (fine, slightly involuntarily). sheesh, ive lost control.

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we had fun today, didnt we? i loooove the sun! i hope it's that hot every tue and fri... or maybe, i think it's even better if it snows! yes! genius! please, powers above, let it snow! haha... of course we'd be caught unawares and all --- no sweaters/jackets, no blankets, no nothing but the clothes we're in --- and we'll be so cold, and there'd be no other choice but to grab the cutie next to you to share the body heat! haha! pantasyaful again...

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pa offered me 3 options for my upcoming debut:

1. trip to somewhere

2. check-in somewhere with a few close friends (hotel/scuba)

3. party with everybody

i wanted the charity plan to push through but pa said they've given something there already so we can count that. that being said, im rather inclined to go with 3. credits to giemel for giving me this insight: it would be such an accomplishment to have all the people who've been part of your life gathered together to celebrate it. hahaha. cheese again. but i like it.

i woke up weird. i have this feeling of frustration (?) and i felt like i'm losin my grip on things. and yeah, there's dread and misery, too.



several things. first, i was dead exhausted yesterday. slept round 3am after posting my last entry and woke up at 6. did routine groggily and was half an hour late for pe. lucky, though, i learned the new steps pretty quick enough.

econ passed.

met up with ate ring. big thing coming up. i'm a little nervous but i'm determined. i'll make it. (ignore the rhyme.)

i can't find my mrt ticket. damn. i still got more than 50 bucks on that thing and i've been treating as always, as a gain because of the purchase discount.

reason for confusion: von's prom. we (referring to myself, pa and ma) waited for the event to end while doing an even worse roaming compared to thursday. bought sneaks and dance shoes (naks! serious bout pe?) at lmark. then ate at a chinese resto. wow. i love chicken feet. i love almonds. i love peaches. i love chinese food. anyway, we then walked the whole of gbelt3, saw celebs, hated the aching leg muscles, and finally returned to manila pen. haha. out of extreme vertigo, fell asleep on a couch at the lobby. i couldn't even send out a decent greeting to the people i know when i woke up and we were about to leave. i was even a bit mad at ma for waking me up, eh, von and co. were still taking some photos.


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niceties:


together with micko, alvin and sheila, i watched unravel noh at aldaba hall. really cool play. i love kubomichi's line, "can't you have any sense of profeessionalismm?" haha. again, again, again. i love theater. not entirely because of mr. innocent, although still largely, but because of the bond with the classmates.


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i recently finished brokeback mountain by annie proulx. i didn't find it a bit icky as others did. rather i found it so interesting i'm adding the film adaptation to my movie must-see list. it's basically a love story and love is love no matter in what form. so what if they're both guys? they love each other and i firmly believe that's what's important. i feel sorry for homo critics, yes, especially the church.

this is killin me. i'm too damn sleepy to make this entry but here i am, pounding on my keyboard, unable to tear myself from this machine that links me to everything and everyone else.

the events of yesterday that proved to be good reasons to stay up this late in front of my precious computer while pestering a chatroom and talking about theater and theater stuff and theater people and theater wonderful people with micko, and catching up with glenda:

*exams for this week are over. thank the powers that be.

*just got a wave of papa's possessiveness. i told him (told, not consulted or anything such, told, done for the simple reason of informing) that i have decided to be a dormer next semester and christ, he dragged into sermons that lasted as long as it took us from manila to caloocan. i appreciate the care and the protection but.. i dunno.. it made me feel bad because i felt no trust on his part.

*was informed that mgt sci reference book we're usin is the same one used in the ateneo mba program. *stream of profanities* im just in my sophie year in college and they're making me do graduate stuff. how fair is that?

*didn't attend nat sci. wonder what my test results are. spent the whole free time to prepare, errr, pretend to prepare for infotech report, which didn't turn out to be the best performance of my life because the group took a major hit on presentation. this kinda sucks. i bore the pain of wearing heeled shoes the whole day solely because of this and it turns out to be not so great. i think i sound bitter. maybe. whatever. my feet just hurt a lot.

*the zipper of my slacks were totally destroyed-- beyond repair. clumsy me, stupid me.

*it feels like saerom and i roamed makati. fine, we just did portions of sm and glorietta but still.. my feet hurt like hell, remember? anyway, objective attained when we got the peach necktie for von's perusal for tomorrow's prom. we then satiated our grumbling tummys with california maki(!) and tea and misono and, ummm, what-saerom-ate. i love japanese food. rightie. i've said that around 2 008 893 948 times. heehee.

*a miss accidentally landed on my left foot pinkie when the bus to alabang jerked to a freakin stop. as if my heel-caused misery aint enough, lookie here~! i get to have free nail execution via accidental stomping! she didn't mean it a bit. im just pretty much in pain.

*ring texted. we'll meet up tomorrow and mull things over. hope everythin turns out for the best.

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finished --- 2:36a

i'm infatuating, like a grade schooler, if i may add. and it feels great.

#bathin sausage

#playin notpron

directive for the next 3 weeks: sort out your life.