pressure is the waking reality of my life. without it i don't think i'll ever budge. without it i'd become another wall flower. i'm thankful there is pressure even if sometimes it nearly kills me. but as atE mona told me, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." and i'm not dead, right? logically, it follows that i'm stronger. boo you, everyone who're pullin me down.

* ** ***

we attended von's grad yesterday afternoon (yeah, after going to arzen to choose photos, stealing away from the hospital nurses, and lots of other dids).

hannah, swine ko, you're simply fab! haha. i'm glad you're gonna be my schoolmate yet again.

jen, great job! as always, to be expected from the jennifer rio capanang. too sad our triumvirate won't be together in college. but i'm not givin up hope! you can always transfer. hehe

von, you big ass. you get to have a k700i for your dumb existence while i only got a hand-me-down N8250 for all those damned medals. haha. kidding. last wednesday i was thinking along this line and i was hating you big time. but well, after the gloria maris treat last night everything just sunk into oblivion. i'm happy for you. i really hope you do well in uste so you'd be able to transfer asap to upd.

* ** ***

erm. yeah. pictures.

busy

just a thought

kiss!

looking out to the world

artistas to the last breath

pavlova!

*sob*

killer looks

palimos po

the wall

sun worshipper*

constipation

breakneck mountain

gayuma scandal

grecian pose

the art of, ermm, art

inside the nicotine

more when i've time.

credits: nanay gn for the photos

*captured by edessa

i'm gettin better.

people say it's hard to let go of something valuable especially when you've just realized how very important that thing is. yeah, well. maybe. but what i know is this: it is pure agony to even think of letting go of something you have valued all throughout, something you felt you gave yourself fully to, something you treasured beyond anything and everything else, something that simply became the axis of your life.

i wanted the play to end for the obvious reason that it was the last damn requirement for us to finish the subject. but on my way home, after staging it successfully on a friday night etched forever in my memory, i was thinking, "is it really over?" and before i knew it i was bleeding to answer myself with a dishonest 'no.' no, i'm not ready for it to be over. no, it's just too good to see a dead end. no, i'd rather go through every difficulty over again than to see time tick by slowly and eventually thrust memories of theater in the forgotten corner of my mind. no, not now --- certainly not when i've fallen deeply in love with the dimalipaders.

i've been crying over the weekend. i've been crying over every cheesy piece of reaction paper i've read. i know it sounds stupid. i might be the only person feeling this anxiety with such magnitude but i can't help it. it's just plain hard. theater 11, dulaang dimalipad means so much to me. it's my sanctuary, my refuge, my shelter because the past semester has been everything but a glide down the rainbow. i found people here who became real friends to me, ready to listen, ready to cry and laugh with you no matter what ills they have in themselves, ready to string along whatever time, whatever occasion, ready to accept you for who you are.

i thought i knew my friends, the ones from d2 to be more specific. mind you, i don't hate the particular ones, it's just that i am disappointed of such behavior they displayed. i trusted them, i gave them confidence that i thought they deserved. i never imagined such betrayal of that trust. picture this: i risk my sorry ass telling them bout really private matters hoping they'll hear me out and never breathe a word to anybody else, and what they do to repay this is pass negative judgment on me, behind my back, during a time when i'm tending other important business and they tell this to another person who, though i know is tight knit is another person just as well.

that's a major reason why i love my theater diosas. they never judged me, tyose in particular. she hasn't known me very long, not even for a whole 72 hours, but she never saw my sorority an evil organization to apply to, she never hinted that i'm this deliquent student wasting my life, my time, my energies. compared to the people i thought i knew.. tyose is a lot more worthy of my trust. that i'll remember from now on.

and nanay gn, too. it felt so good to be talking to someone who's gone through the very same things you're going through. it felt so good that there's a person who understands you down every bit of detail and who gives you advice on how to make things work. it felt so good to know that someone sincerely cares about what happens to you and is praying everything turns out well and you make it through alive.

tell me now what i'm supposed to feel. tell me now what i'm supposed to do. enzo's right, everybody should move on. but i'm just not ready at the mo. let me linger a just a little longer.

the play last night was a hit. ive been crying since.



my reflection paper:



Everything started with the dire need of an 18-unit load. It was a choice I had to make between Malikhaing Pagsusulat 10 and Theater 11. I felt inclined to prerog for MPs 10, but eventually, because Tina kept pleading me for us to try the latter, I gave in — and I’m mighty glad I did. We stood outside CAL 204, cautious to enter the room because we were half an hour late and to kill time, we acted and dubbed ourselves ‘seaweeds.’ Little did we imagine that we were going to be and experience so much more than that.


I fell in love with Harlene the very first time I read the script that I couldn’t see myself playing any other role. I felt her inside me: all the tension, the pain, the need to be loved and given attention, the pretense of happiness through practice of escape, the desire to release all that she was feeling and the inability to, and it was this last that served as my motivation to do the role.
There were many trials.

That night when Nanay Gn cried, I cried, everybody felt really low will always remain fresh in my head. It was the peak of our depression. Other members of the cast and even the production staff complained, some even wanted to quit. But I had to hold on to the principle that governed my life: NEVER QUIT. It was this that I always told my friends, my brothers and sisters in this production, and here we are now…achievers.


Today is March 18, the day after the play. I’m sitting in front of my machine, thinking of all the things that Dulaang Dimalipad taught me, crying for these things. DD broke my heart, yes, many times, but it made me whole as a person, it developed my character. DD taught me teamwork, strength, perseverance, creativity, appreciation, love for work, confidence, industry, and above all, friendship. The seemingly insurmountable tasks proved hard but very rewarding. All the dreaming and scheming paid-off with an outcome that just overwhelmed those who poured blood and sweat to see plans realized. The non-believers were inspired and converted. People who were once strangers became friends I would treasure for the rest of my life. Cheese here and there, I know, but these are for real.


I can’t put into words the intensity of the apprehension I’m feeling now that classes are about to end. I know it’s because I gave so much to the class — the effort I put into this subject is greater that the effort I gave in all my other GE subjects taken together; the relationships that were formed among the members of the class are priceless and the attachment I feel to these people is just so great that it’s hard to accept I wouldn’t see them almost everyday anymore; I know I will miss the laughter, the tears, the sentiments, the teasing, the life that is Th 11, DD.


Kudos everyone! We made it! (I’ll really miss you.)


* ** ***


shame, shame. how very emo of me.

i shouldn't be doing this. i should be making my presentation. but i can't help it. this is so delayed as it is.

* ** ***

the birthday

it's owa's bday today but the grand celebration has to wait until saturday. we just had pizza and ice cream. heehee. stuffing ourselves. :D

the pressure is killing me. we just finished delivering invites an hour ago. i have to finish my presentation now or pa will kill me. i dunno. i haven't even started. damn kim for not capturing the photos right.

motivation! do what you have to do baby! you've been somewhere behind things lately... catch up! catch up!

* ** ***

the sisterhood

it's begun. finally.

* ** ***

acads

whoever invented school? i'm sooo depressed. i haven't confessed i'm doing a terrible job. i don't wanna let the people who believe in me lose their faith. please, why is this happening to me? and why now? i really hate the damned timing! damn!

* ** ***

social life

m.i.s.t. i love.