Defense
i just finished the client by john grisham. the book's a good one. john grisham's a good one. obviously, it's another lawyer story but i think the reason why interest in his work never wears off off me is that he doesn't exaggerate. his writing is simple and descriptive, he tries to slowly sink complicated situations and characters into people's heads and hearts (i.e., he creates characters so pathetic you can't sleep coz you're so guilty, or characters so witty you can't sleep coz you're awestruck).
* * *
i caught a few segments of y speak live. they were debating about the quality of education in private and public schools. i would have said that private schools are definitely better than public schools... if i were still in high school. but being in college (and in UP, at that), naturally i'd go to the defense of public schools. private school students, seeing as i used to for ten to twelve years, have this general notion of public schools as dirty, uncultured, impoverished, security-sloppy environments. i won't deny this is the scene in most public schools. but this does not totally cover the quality of education. sometimes, learning to live in this kind of environment is a better preparation for living in the real world. simply because that's how it's gonna be out there. harsh, dirty, all the ugly things. it pays to know these things.
that claim made me think but what affected me and reaped a violent reaction from me was JM's (a la sallian's) argument. he said that teachers in private schools are far better than teachers in public schools, seeing that they are more competitive because of their degrees and ph ds. excuse me! but the best teachers from his school are those that come from my school. their administration does nothing but pirate our professors. these people talaga, they can't even use their common sense.
logout;.
{/.12:33 PM}
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Dependence
finally after weeks of imaginary strokes and paralysis I got busy with something. i woke up real late because we came home from bellevue around 12 or 1 in the morning and I felt like I was being emptied of all the energies stuck within me, which is something good to my way of thinking, because you don't have to do all sorts of stuff just to get a nice, heavy, tranquil sleep. or at least theoretically that's what you should get.
i told kilo the night before we should be at the mall as soon as it opens. i was in some kind of panicky state already. i haven't got a gift and a something to wear and the debut would be later in the afternoon. but all the same, we got to the mall around lunch time, some 2 hours after what we planned. everything went well after that, i guess. doing the shopping with kilo was real fun because i didn't feel any pressure. i mean, okay, so i'm in a rush but we were fine. we did good. there were snatches of laughter everywhere, even from the slightest, stupidest things that we could notice.
what i realized, though, no matter how relaxed i've been during the whole prep thing, is that i still have this dependence on my mum. i missed her so much when it came to deciding what outfit to buy. i needed her opinion badly. I, with kilo's advice, got to a good decision, no doubt, but all the time being i felt that must to know what mummy thinks. honestly, i don't know how i should feel about it. maybe i should be mad at myself because i still have that vulnerable spot in me. or maybe i should feel grateful that there are circumstances in my life that remind me of my limits and of the importance of other people.
and speaking of that importance, it was stressed even more, when kilo did my hair and make-up (haha, artista), i hitched a ride on hannah's new car, with tito drivin and tita chattin to us, and stacy told me it was okay to smile because i didn't have strips of meat stuck between my teeth. small things, but big reflections of how beautiful life can still be with friends around.
logout;.
{/.1:25 PM}
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Reason For Being/ The Being
we die everyday
through the many grave things
the world subjects us to
yet we should rise and live again
through the same grave things --
these should bring out the light inside of us
if ever there is anything left
uncorrupted by the darkness
i doubt it. in the hearts of many i doubt if there is even enough cinder to kindle sparks. there's just too much suffering, i lose my mind thinking about it. i even end up crying, mourning in numbing silence. i grieve for everyone just like myself. i grieve for all the wrongs that happen to us. i grieve for all the injustices that we become victims of. i grieve for the miserable lives we lead. i am desperate for change. i long to find reason. but where do i look for it? i can wait no longer. too much time has passed, wasted on fruitless efforts to conquer the treacherous evil that lurks behind every mask of kindness.
or is there really reason? i'm afraid of dead ends. imagine all the painful struggles to find somewhere in time that these are worthless.
and you can't rely on anything or anyone else. it's just you. life, contrary to what others say, is a lone journey. nobody or nothing can stay with someone forever. that hurts.
now, with all these frustrations, how can i find hope? is there any left?
i used to be trapped in a paradigm power created about me. i used to believe all the lies that reach my ears. but i am lucky. i have escaped, free from the opium that was slowly nestling in my veins. that rotten thing called religion.
i threw the sham and vowed to start anew. i have been searching since then. i paid more attention to the world than ever before. i began observing details though it was a torment. and it was never easy to convince myself of which truth is true. i had to be careful. a little mistake can lead to a great disillusionment.
there is a god. simple, i know. this is what i found out. i do not know who or where this god is,but i know this god is real. maybe he/she holds the key to reason. i want to know more. i have to understand. i am confused but i doubt not this god's existence.he/she must manifest.
logout;.
{/.3:57 PM}
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Owa
another day without you. you're always there but somehow we've drifted. i never wanted this to happen. i owe you my life. you are the friend iwill always love. you are the mentor i will always respect. there were storms that nearly slaughtered me but you never left me. you protected me. and for all these, you have my deepest gratitude. yet i feel guilty. have i been too selfish? have i been to you what you are to me? did i give back the love you bathed me with?
i know you are suffering. i know you yearn for the times lost to us. believe it or not, i do, too. but the changes are overpowering. i became aware of my individuality. i found others, who just like me, are starting to learn about the world we live in.but no one can replace you. my love never wavered though i admit its expression did. i have caused you pain and i deeply regret having done such. i am begging for forgiveness. pardon me for my petty faults. pardon me for my foolishness. i took you forgranted, i know that now. but i can't lose you. you are my life. i love you. don't leave.
logout;.
{/.8:49 AM}
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Drowning
i'm tired of trying to be someone i'm not,
pretending to be the person i shall never be
there's a feeling of genuine distrust
insecurity that destroys the wholeness of my fragile human soul
and it's a shame, a darkness that hope cannot penetrate
because whatever it is that reigns over my mind and heart
is more that just a cloud that robs me of my sanity and
covets my entire being as if were not really living but
a cadaver frozen by the endless rain of cruel winter
i see it as i open my eyes
i smell it with every nervous breath
i takei feel icy shivers at the very thought that i can never be free --
free from a world i built with my foolishness
a world of deception that has enveloped me and will never let me go
in this world i shall lay, in this world i shall rot
in this world i shall fade
and in eternity be lost
logout;.
{/.3:47 PM}
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Random Thoughts
i wanna throw off my dark side today. i'll try to be bright and nice (bratty and nasty, more likely). i'll try. but trying is bad for me. it brings out the extremes most of the time. whatever.
* * *
i don't wanna go to school just yet. but i don't wanna be stuck at home either.damn. i don't know what i wanna do with my life. but, duh. as if i have a choice. naturally, i'd go to school. i dread it. or maybe i just dread the wednesdays. i used to love wednesdays, them being midweek rest periods. i guess, i won't anymore. i'll probably have to attend CWTS lectures durin' them days. urgghhh. mind over matter, at least i'll have the CWTS over with.
* * *
what qualities do i like in a guy? i wanted to find out. i started by trying to come up with my top 10 crushes (hehe.. very grade sixish). and so i listed the names of ten guys and started ranking them. but it was extremely difficult. it was impossible for the list to be limited to ten because names keep poppin' in my head. or maybe i'm just a bad judge. after a lot of thinkin, i decided on just keepin' list. no ranking and no limits. but i don't think 'my top 10crushes' would still be an appropriate title. it's more like 'guys i'd like to meet in another lifetime if not during the current one.' (that sounds like a confession) here goes. (note: i left my dignity somewhere when i did this.)
sports
* jimmy alapag
* james yap/toti almeda
* jinno rufino (sports tv)
* joseph yeo (who shares chino's eyes)
* mark caguioa
* matteo guidicelli
* richard hamilton
* steve nash
* allen iverson
music
* marc abaya
* billy crawford (uhh, i guess i like his image now)
* ysmael yuzon
* jamir garcia
* usher
* brandon boyd
* ali alejandro
* jason mraz
hollywood
* jared leto
* ashton kutcher
* tobey maguire
* stuart townsend
* johnny depp
* keanu reeves
* david boreanaz
* alexis denisoff
* agent brody/spike/cole (who all look like someone.. don't buy this.)
* hugh jackman
* viggo mortensen
* orlando bloom (/malin... nyahahahaha! joke...)
cartoons/animé
* aladdin
* aoshi (samurai x)
* ryota miyagi (slam dunk)
* martin mystery
there. pretty long but variety's often a nice feature. if i box up their best qualities and stuff them into a single soul... well, that'd be perfect. but then again, that isn't possible.
so what do i want a guy to be like? it was much simpler than perfect. i want him to be like an MnM (melts in your mouth, not in your hands??? nah.) -- tough on the outside but soft and warm on the inside (...how very cheesy).
logout;.
{/.7:16 AM}
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Wimp
a male blocmate (for security reasons) just buzzed in. he told me he'll ask the girl he liked for a date come the start of classes. wow. i still can't help but wonder where these people get the courage to do such things. i don't think i ever did anything of that kind. i'm a wimp. i know that at the very least. i get scared easily.
logout;.
{/.7:07 PM}
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The Beginning of The End
Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka-- akap, imago
kasama. maybe that's just what i need. because i'm human and i'm vulnerable to insecurities and loneliness, i need someone to tell me that i'm ok and everything will be ok; i need someone to tell me everything's just a bad dream and that there's someone who cares who'll wake me up. crappy as it sounds, there's a loneliness in me that screams for attention. i've been trying to cover it up for ages but lately, it kept growing worse. i can't ignore it anymore. but i don't know what to do. i feel restless and beyond help.
* * *
summer's almost over. i want it to end because it bores me. but i don't want it to end because school might just do the same thing. boredom, boredom. activity's the cure but too much of it and i'm back to where i began.
* * *
i went to bulinao, pangasinan last april. it was an enchanting experience, one of the few i felt grateful for for being alive. the sand isn't as fine as bora's but the wind is sweet and relaxing. the area isn't as commercial as galera but the water's warmth washes off lethargy and drives qualms out of your head. it's amazing to know life can still hold so much wonder and beauty when it overflows with suffering and injustice.
logout;.
{/.6:05 AM}
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Throwing the Faith
i disagree. i often do. probably because i see what's wrong and i hope for what's ideal. to many people, i may not be making any sense. it's either they're in too deep already or they don't give a damn.
i disagree. i often do. probably because people i believe in have let me down time and again. i'm human and it's normal for me to get weary of things that repeatedly occur. sometimes i think life's really just a bag of shit.
i disagree. i often do. probably because i refuse to belong to addicts, or to worry-free folks or to those who are always hurt. it leaves me frustrated, yes. but what's more is that i'm left broken and i'm scared of not making it back.
i disagree. i often do. i'm an imperfect soul in an imperfect world living an imperfect life. they say shit happens. well, it happens to me big time.
logout;.
{/.7:16 PM}
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