18 19 | piscean dragon | bs ba bs baa; 3; upd | machiavellian | actress | empath | leader, friend, servant
1-God
2-family and friends i could trust
3-sunshine and anne rice
4-taboo, soy milk and wheatbread
5-my vision
6-ai yazawa
7-naruto and inu-yasha
8-globe
9-badong and khavn {tech stuff}
0-california maki
1-incosiderate people
2-stepping on shit and gum
3-people who dont know me but judge me as if they do
4-missin my fave shows
5-freakin hard exams despite sleepless nights
6-cough and phlegm
7-drought
8-walkin perimeters
9-bein broke
0-delivery truck morons
Tired and Tested
finally, a friday. the whole week's just been pressure, pressure and more pressure. i feel like i'm gonna be sick. i think i already have fever.
* * *
i guess i like accounting. it's highly mechanical when you're doing the basics but it's totally fulfillin if you end up doin things right. (pause -- watching naruto)
* * *
i wouldn't be writing about something that's dead serious for a long time. everything's just blowing up my mind. i need to relax a little and take things lightly.
logout;.
{/.8:53 PM}
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the sked part 2
wed jun 8 2005 530p
sluggish day. no rays of sunshine whatsoever. i made it 45 minutes early to my cwts. i knew it's probably just briefing so it wouldn't consume a whole six hours, and that would leave me doing nothing for a long period, waiting for yet another briefing, this time, in pe. but i couldn't let that happen. cwts ended around 11 so i went to the gym hoping to find the courage to call out instructors' names and beg them to enlist me in their classes. again, futile. i chickened out. and i didn't attend the 3-5 taekwondo because i don't know where to hangout.
i feel so dumb. the same feeling of desperation sank in as i tried to take a nap at the manager's office. i'm desperate, undecided and all that kind of crap. i'm smelling shit again.
logout;.
{/.8:39 AM}
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the sked
tue jun 07 2005 930p
the sky was a mix of black and blue where puffs of white clouds drifted by lazily. there was no sun visible and that wasn't much to appreciate. the ceiling fan rotated nonstop above me and the light breeze it generated blew a cobweb against the platform back and forth. on my left, a familiar-looking guy was pounding on his mobile phone; on my right, two girls chatted to kill time.
i sat in as 436, my elbow rested on an ugly brown armchair as my hand gripped the pen scribbling on my pad. i thought, i'm not here for the class, i'm here to cancel my slot in it, so will the *bleep* prof please show up? i was looking forward to a successful changemat since it was my first for the day. i was accepted in pp 17 and i couldn't have been more relieved. i just really need to cancel this one to fully accomplish the form.
i waited for another century. down at the side of the FC, i could hear a guy checking the sound system. they've set up this stage for the rexona first day funk. i hoped like hell PNE's coming. maybe they'll get me inspired or something and i'll endure this uber planned day that i tried to get through.
the people around me started to gettin up an hour after the class should've started. i decided to follow their lead and keep my ass on the go. i went to the fc fil dept to have my kom 1 class cancelled per my pp 17 prof's advice. and hallelujah! it was done. never imagined it was that simple.
*
10:15 am. my geog 1 class didn't meet so i waited at cal 311. 312 was where i wanted to be after an hour and a quarter of it. i had to get an earlier schedule for my cw 10. i wished the prof's nice and really really kind (she's the very prof i enlisted for but on a different sked).
i tried calling kilo and niña but the network's damn bad. i felt like i was going to be bored stiff -- as stiff as the unoccupied black and grey armchairs that kept me company, as stiff as the half-black-half-white board some 6 meters in front of me. and so, to counter boredom, i observed my surroundings. sixteen fluorescent lights and four ceiling fans were on all in an effort to make a room for a nonexistent class conducive. how's that for energy conservation?
i wondered how much the government pays for our school's electric consumption. must be millions or some hundred thousands. but at least we deserve that money because we're doing something for the country.
*
misfortune seemed to rain upon me -- and when it rains, it pours. after my lucky pp 17 break, all my fortune was drained. the cw 10 prof wouldn't accept me in her class. she said she had 29 students already. damn. and i just got up and walked away a loser. i was already on my way to nowhere when i thought i should've told her i just wanted to transfer from her other class.
plus, all that time i waited there when i could've gone to the gym and shopped for a pe class. even if i did go the gym after meeting up with niña, archie, and jonalyn, and even if i did get a pe class, i still felt disgusted with myself and with how things went. the pe i got was taekwondo, which is not so bad, in fact, i like it. the catch, however, was the sked: wed, 3-5. urggh. my whole first sem sked totally sucks.
logout;.
{/.11:37 AM}
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Disaster
yesterday was a disaster. today almost was. i spent futile hours trying to get the PE and the two GE classes that weren't assigned to me by CRS. i exhausted money and energy in vain. the only upside (the best downside, more accurately) is that exhaustion was all i could feel while at it. i called it a day and thought about what just happened to me, and i guess i thought so much because i became paranoid and desperate. i couldn't bear the thought of not getting at least another 3 additional units and of being underloaded. i hated the system. in the first place, the registration wouldn't be too much of a hassle if there were enough slots for all who needed GE subjects and not just those anticipated tri-coll students. and another thing, why don't they process everything on a first come, first serve basis? they had this weird prioritization standard. tri-coll ek-ek. surname-department sched. blah, blah, blah.
the good news for today is that i got my 18 units though the sched is horrible and that i'm already enrolled. the bad news is i still have to worry about prerogs.
* * *
i saw donn and talked to mariam. donn's also in cba, he transferred from upcm. we had a little chat but postponed all the how-are-yous since we were both shopping for subjects. later in the afternoon, when i was finally in stq, i called mariam up. i really miss her. we haven't seen each other for more than a year. we talked about all sorts of things: life in college, hs classmates, boyfriends (though we both had none), debuts, gossip, the like. she told me she's been hanging out in a gym. i found it weird. i mean, yum's body is the body of a supermodel. she's sexy, and the right type of sexy at that. but, oh well, if that's what makes her happy, so be it.
* * *
i heard the entertainment news delivered by angelo palmones. he said kris aquino is planning to settle down next year. it was nothing, really. i mean, sure, she can do whatever she wants to do. what shocked me though is who her groom will be. cager james yap. they have this ten-year gap and they've been going out for six months. i dunno what got into james. with his personality and achievements, i bet any girl could fall for him. but why kris? i know she's a lot of things but still... she's kris. and another parallel situation: janice de belen and larry fonacier. archie told me. what is happening to this world? urghh. whatever. maybe it's really love.
logout;.
{/.1:26 PM}
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Neon
coz i, i know i can never be enough
to replace your whatever
now everything is silent
and everything is still without you near
-- neon, sponge cola
i've felt like that countless times over the past months. it scares me to know that i'm not enough, to feel that we're far from each other and i can't do anything to remind you of how we used to be. i thought these feelings, these thoughts would just get tired of themselves and go away. and they did. or so it seemed. but i'm afraid they're back again, and they've become worse.
is fate playing with us? i can't help but believe, and deep inside, hope, that someday the paths that branched at crossroads will meet again. i don't know what will happen. but i certainly know that i will bless that day. i want to have a conversation with you, talk about things we weren't able to reconcile before. i might've said i don't care what you think but i do. i'm just afraid of rejection. and now i know that wouldn't happen and i'll be strong enough even if it does, i guess i'll hear what you have to say. maybe we'll finish all this. maybe we'll start anew. i don't care. i just want you to be there, to talk to me and tell me, in all honesty, your thoughts, and if it's not too much, your plans.
i'm not ready for romance but i think i can handle a friendship.
* * *
by this time next week i'll be doing CWTS instead of sitting in front of the computer deducing where the mines are and expressing my thoughts. the 'dawning' of the school days just hover above me like looming doom.
niña is on the phone right now. i'm pissed with the CRS results. 12 units... 12 undersized units. niña's in the very same boat. how am i supposed to get a PE and my 2 other GEs. this sucks.
logout;.
{/.9:19 PM}
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