i think i'm bisexual. i like males but i also have this attraction to females, and it's not that i-want-to-be-her-friend attraction but the oh-yeah-babe-let's-jam sort of thing. okay, well it begins with the friend idea.

i first noticed this when i saw the bisexual host in gma's out!, a show devoted to gays, lesbos, and bis that aired round 11p, some time in the summer, maybe 2 years back. she is gorgeous -- i just imagine her wearing nothing and i get the creeps (hey, typical awe for the perfectly sculpted female body). i think her name's avi siwa. it was really brave of her to admit her gender (i.e. social role not biological makeup, some people mistake one for the other) and it introduced me to the idea of what a bisexual is: you're no lesbo, you're no hetero, you're a bi and you can have the best of both. then, i saw oprah's episode on gender crises which featured young children already saying that they belong to the other sex. this bothered me big time, partly because i realized that even kids have an idea of what they are and what they want to be, and partly because i never thought of myself as someone who'd get into a gender crisis. okay, so i'm not into a gender crisis per se, but somewhat like that, only it's too internal that other people never sensed it.

my blockmates often tease me of being a lesbo, seeing as it is that i seldom look at men. maybe that's just the long-term effect of an unexpected trauma. i'm talking bout the oblation run. before actually seeing naked men running wildly about, i, more or less, already have this idea of what they'd look like. but expectations didn't prepare me for the actuality. i saw them, with their 'thing' dangling from their waists, swinging from side to side (that's exaggerated, fine) as they ran the corridors of the AS bldg.. i was horrified, and deep down i swore i will never get married to a man and be desecrated by that icky organ. i tried shutting images out of my head, but it's as if they're on a constant playback. i couldn't sleep that night. i was afraid to see them in my dreams. very afraid. i took offense, obviously. i'm never seeing them at it again. (disclaimer: i have nothing against the organization, to which i am 'affiliated'; i was just mightily distrurbed)

the danger of men vs the sensuality of women. if i were adventurous, i'd go with the first one. but adventure stirring within me is almost rare; i like to be relaxed, flowing, serene, easily unified. that's what you get with women. we're sensitive, beautiful, graceful -- and an awful lot of things barbarian males aren't.

(part 1 of 2, will post continuation some time soon)