Pandemonium Stirs Within You: {c://.handsUP}

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The sound of the engine getting further away...
The feel of the hard passenger seat...
The heavy scent of cologne...
His warm body...
His cold fingertips...
His strong gaze...
His voice...
His sweet and low voice... calling my name.
Even without him... this city is still overflowing with people.
My days are busy.
Nothing will change.
All I did was lose a love...
I'm all right.
But... why do the lights look like they're in black-and-white?
Just because one person isn't here...
-Paradise Kiss, Ai Yazawa

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;niavi

YYYY

silent war

money's not the fucking problem. it's a fucking repercussion. no, i don't wake up in the middle of curses fired here and there but i know i'm in a war zone. i'll be trapped there for as long as you build walls around your egos and turn blind eyes and deaf ears to the silent screaming of those affected by your stupid disagreement.

and don't tell me i don't understand because i fucking do. you're the ones who don't understand because you don't want to. you're selfish. you only think of yourselves and the anger you feel. you're insensitive, and that's one of my fucking problems because i'm hypersensitive. if she can cry and choke on her tears without being noticed, well, i can't. my eyes are red from rubbing and they hurt like hell. the paths my tears took when they rolled down my cheeks have dried up, but i know they're still there, an invisible web covering my face.

she's the next big problem. i fucking hate how you can tolerate her. it's unfair because you do but when you need help you run to me. she's pulling you down and she gets what she wants from you and i'm just here, trying to help you and i'm not even worth a single thought. i'm not jealous because i find jealousy pathetic. i'm just pissed with her. really, really pissed.

what's more? you make me sick. how can you tell me about the good life that lies ahead, the perseverance needed now and all those kinds of crap you find in success stories when you don't event want to do a thing to fix the situation you dragged us into? i haven't forgotten that night. my wounds are still fresh and though they appear to be healing, i feel them just going deeper, penetrating what i have left of myself and building their home in my core. so don't fucking bribe. it wouldn't do any good. you're not winning me over to your side, not after i saw how immature you've become and definitely never after i experienced your indifference.

i'm a child cursed with empathy and blessed with righteous pride. you don't get that because you're absorbed with other things -- alcohol, the pair of them, the dog, Encantadia, your jobs, money -- that are almost irrelevant. i need guidance, inspiration, nourishment, brilliant examples, and love. i need to be loved. i have to be loved. i am weak because i don't have this and my righteous pride would never have me begging for it. there's very little left in me and i need your foolishness to end in whatever way. it's tiring, this endless dance of conflicts in relationships.

i'm wasted.

logout;.
{/.3:38 PM}
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