she's a bloody bitch. i dunno how she came to be one but she is. whenever i think about her, my temoer reaches boiling point. she's appearance conscious to the extent you'd think she's entering a pageant even if she's just gonna grab something from the convenience store. she tries to talk smart but all she does is reveal her stupidity. she's rude to everyone. she laughs out loud at the corniest strips of lame attempts at humor from her little friends. she slams the door of her room strong enough to break down the whole house. she uses my stuff like she owns them. she idolizes idiots. she's clumsy and she makes up for it with greater clumsiness. she hasn't got a clue about originality. she's a poser. she's a brat asking for cash to satisfy her petty caprices. she's fourteen years old and well on track of being a part time hooker. and the worst thing of all is that she's my sister.

obviously, i hate her, or just her bitchy acts. sometimes i get that strong urge to strangle her, or suffocate her, or whip her, or pull out her fingernails, or crucify her, or tattoo a big 'BITCH' on her forehead, or do anything that would cause her misery as a sort of retribution for all the pain and madness she caused.

i try finding better memories of her and i remember the time when we were younger. she was a sweet child. i'd always get the sermons and beatings on her behalf but that's okay coz we were okay and i understand i have to play the big sister role. recalling that and matching it with the person i'm bearing with now is somehow impossible. there's a gap -- that stage of metamorphosis from a sweet young person who calls me 'ate' to a bitchy nightmare of a monster who calls me 'hoy.' where'd it all go wrong? where was i? could i have prevented it? or.. could i have caused it?

i know she was in the shadows for the longest time, measured against a sister who seemed to have it all (but i didn't, because i was trapped in my own dark cage). but that isn't reason enough for her to wreak havoc while trying to live up to what appeared as my puny victories. she's driving too fast, exceeding the limit, but goint towards the wrong direction.

so what's the ranting for? i want my sister back -- the one i could live with in peace, a friend and a confidante, an inspiration more than any other. god, i just want her back.